Disclaimer to all before reading my story :) I am not a mental health professional! I don’t intend anything I write to replace the necessity of seeking out professional help. Mental illness is NO joke and should always be taken very seriously. If you or someone you know is struggling, I urge you to talk to trusted individuals in your life about what you are going through, and seek help. I promise that there is hope and healing for your situation.
In this post I process my personal struggle with mental health and how I overcame it. My experience may or may not be the same as others’. The advice I share is based on my personal experience and should absolutely NOT replace seeking professional help. I simply write out some things that I wish I could’ve read when I was struggling the most, and that I hope will help others who are struggling. I believe there is power in sharing your story. But once again. PLEASE get help if you need it. That is so important!
Here are some hotlines and resources:
1-877-726-4727 - SAMHSA Treatment Referral Helpline. Get information on mental health and treatment resources in your area.
1-800-273-8255 - National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Receive expert care in crisis counseling and mental health referrals.
https://www.mentalhealth.gov/basics - Information on mental health as well as resources that may be helpful to you or anyone in your life who is struggling with mental illness.
As I write this and reflecting on 2019, I’m coming out of one of the toughest seasons I’ve ever experienced. My last year of college was both the best and probably also the hardest few months. I got diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder, and the months following that were a steep uphill battle that I frequently felt like I was losing. Normal things like eating, sleeping, and even leaving the house became indescribably difficult and impossible on some days. My grades taaaanked. I don’t know who I was for most of the time, because I surely wasn’t myself.
I’m opening up about my experience because mental health struggles can happen to anyone. I’m writing the words I wish I could have read when I was at my worst. Because there IS hope when it feels like all is lost and anxiety has hijacked your mind and robbed your peace. God’s been faithful to me even in my darkest nights and his goodness does not depend on my circumstances. It supersedes them.
It all started about 14 months ago, in September 2018. I had just started my senior year of college. One day I was studying for a data engineering quiz I had the next day when all of a sudden I felt a weird sensation in my upper left abdomen. It wasn’t pain, just a super weird feeling, like a spasm. In that moment, a flip switched in me and I went into a panic. My mind jumped to the worst conclusions. I was convinced my appendix was about to burst and that I was in immediate medical danger. I remember a rush of what felt like a million degrees going up to my head, and I felt very very faint. I then laid down on the ground with my feet up on my chair because I was too scared to stand up. With my voice shaking I called 911. In that moment, I felt fear more palpably than ever before. My heart was absolutely pounding, my chest was tight, I was shaking uncontrollably, and it felt really hard to breathe. I was legitimately terrified I was about to die. I’d never felt those feelings in my body and I didn’t know what was going on.
The paramedics came and wheeled me out of my apartment on a stretcher. (This was humiliating.) I remember one of them asking, “Are you sure this isn’t just a panic attack?”
I got to the ER and explained all that had happened. I still felt scared to stand up, scared to walk because I felt like I was going to collapse, and breathing was still difficult and labored. My angel of a father dropped whatever he had been doing and rushed to be with me, which made the world of a difference. I remember being in the ER waiting room and he held my hand. I’m not a touchy person at all… in fact, when I took the love languages test, physical touch scored a literal 1. But in that moment, it was exactly the comfort I needed. Thank you, Dad, I love you so much.
The doctors ended up running a bunch of tests. Blood test, EKG, abdominal x-ray, etc… all which came back normal. I was dumbfounded because I had been so convinced that something was wrong with me. It had felt so real.
That paramedic had been right. Turns out, I was experiencing my first ever full-blown panic attack that first day in September. That day marked the beginning of my struggle with anxiety and panic attacks that would continue for the next ~12 months. Things weren’t too bad until finals week in December, when I remember having multiple panic attacks in one week. Often times, they would begin with my head and arms tingling and going completely numb, or my throat feeling like it was closing up. Sometimes my resting heart rate would speed up to 130+ beats per minute for hours on end, and other times it would beat so slow I was sure it was about to stop. I would have heart palpitations multiple times a day. Growing up, I used to see a cardiologist each year since childhood because I was on the border of being diagnosed with Long QT Syndrome, which is a very serious heart condition. Because of that, the cardiac symptoms I was experiencing made me fear for the absolute worst, convincing me I was in danger of cardiac arrest or heart failure. Sometimes my panic attacks would last 20 minutes, and sometimes 4 hours. In the car, at home, anywhere; they were completely unpredictable. I felt completely out of control of myself and my mind. If you’ve ever experienced a panic attack, you would know that it’s truly the scariest, worst feeling ever. If someone you know experiences panic attacks, please give them a big hug because it’s an exhausting, terrifying, all-consuming experience. Extreme fear and panic manifest in very weird, real ways.
At the point when my anxiety was the worst, second semester was just starting. I basically moved out of my apartment and was at home again. It was a day-by-day battle.
I just wanted so badly for the burden of anxiety to be lifted off my shoulders so I could return to my normal life. The intense fear had invaded so much of my normal thought life that I truly doubted I would ever be able to return to normal again. I was losing weight left and right unintentionally, was frequently in a dizzy, dissociative state, I would often get nauseous any time I tried to eat, I didn’t look or feel like myself at all. I was certain I’d need to drop out of my last semester of undergrad. I’ve never felt more dead on the inside or out of control of my life than I did during that time. It was rock bottom. Even worse, I felt like my dreams and plans for the future were fading. How was I going to run my photography business that summer if I couldn’t go a day without an anxiety attack? How was I going to travel across the world for YWAM when even leaving the house became the scariest thing ever? I wasn’t scared of the world outside, but of being far from the one place I felt safe (home). I felt my future plans seemingly disintegrate before my eyes. I’m not even kidding, I thought I was going to move permanently into a hospital. I didn’t see any other way out of what I was going through and I had become so incapable of functioning normally. I got to a point where my anxiety was so consuming and out of my control that I thought my only relief would from it would be death.
Thankfully, I was met in that very dark place with a wonderful support system. I had no choice but to cry out for help and it truly saved me. Self-reliance went riiiight out the window. God was so faithful and brought the right help to me in the exact right moments. (Divine appointments at the line in Starbucks, therapy appointment cancellations which opened timeslots that worked perfectly with my schedule, etc. I have endless testimonies of this. God works in really crazy ways.) Therapy and anxiety medication prescriptions really helped me to crawl out of that seemingly inescapable rut and get my feet on the ground again. My parents were amazingly helpful and would often come pick me up from my apartment in the middle of the night when I would have panic attacks and was too afraid to be alone. My mom would stay by my bedside so I could fall asleep. Yup… I was basically a 22 year old toddler. Friends helped me make it to class and would stay by my side. (HUGE shoutouts to Mark and Megan. You two made a huge difference last spring semester and I’m endlessly grateful for your support in class!) I still don’t know how I managed to scrape by and pass my classes and graduate. I failed so many exams, because it turns out focusing on studying is impossible when your brain is busy being convinced you’re about to die.
I can’t count how many times I was at the doctor this year, getting my blood drawn and my heart scanned again and again because I was so dang convinced that my physical health symptoms and heart palpitations were a death sentence. When the doctors would tell me I was okay, I didn’t believe them. It’s honestly embarrassing, and I know it’s irrational. But when you’re in fear’s jail cell like I was, you are so convinced that the anxious thoughts are reality. Anxiety turned me into a full-on hypochondriac who was constantly fearing the absolute worst. You name it, I probably had an anxiety attack over it: fear of diabetes, tumors, heart attacks, cancer, fainting. But the biggest fear was over my physical heart. As a result of constantly going to the doctor out of my fear, it was not only embarrassing but extremely expensive to keep racking up medical bills. I was in a seemingly unstoppable cycle.
For several months I became a shell of myself. I felt as though I’d lost the happy-go-lucky, energetic, spontaneous person I once was. It’s seriously by the grace of God that I made it through my last semester of college. I might’ve gotten the worst grades of my entire life, but I didn’t even care! Wellness is more important than grades…. And I can confirm, C’s get degrees.
Throughout it all, I learned that there IS hope! I have been able to do things that I never thought I’d be able to do. I passed all my classes and graduated! I’m the proud owner of a bachelor of science in business degree. I ran my photography business this summer which felt so far out of the picture when I was in the middle of my anxiety. I further overcame my fear of driving. I’m able to do things I love that I was too afraid to do for many months, like going to work at coffee shops, spontaneously going out with friends, getting on airplanes, and traveling. I had definitely taken all those things for granted. When my panic attacks were out of control, it was really hard to leave the house.
To be very honest, I was pretty mad at God for a lot of this time. I often asked, “Why are you letting this happen to me?” “Can’t you just take this away?” “How are you letting me lose myself like this?” Etc etc etc. The Bible promises us peace, but I felt everything BUT peace, so I was like “What the heck God?!” As I processed my feelings God was so patient and so kind to me. As I reflect back I can see God clearly providing for me in those times.
Anyway, the saga continued. I thought once I graduated and was finally done with the extreme stress of school, I’d be done with my anxiety. Not exactly. I was in another rough patch with my anxiety in July, when I was at Harvest Sound Intensive in Nashville. Once again my heart palpitations and dizziness spells were in full swing and I found myself feeling very trapped in my own mind. I was a slave held captive to my anxious thought cycles. I couldn’t escape them. For an anxious person, everything looks normal on the outside, but it’s a warzone within the mind. I was so frustrated, because I thought I had already overcome those things, but there I was, once again feeling pretty dang powerless and overwhelmed. I remember making plans to visit a cardiologist again, because I was so fearful once again over the physical condition of my heart. (Even though I’d had 3 EKGs that year that proved I was okay. Not even that evidence, three times over, was enough to trump my anxiety. I was truly trapped in irrational fear’s jail cell.)
I’ll never forget one day during worship. I saw a vision. (I try not to get ‘over-spiritual’, but there have been a few times where God has very clearly spoken to me through visions and words that have unlocked unparalleled freedom. This was one of those times.) The vision came out of nowhere; I wasn’t expecting it. In the vision I saw myself standing by Jesus. At our feet, these incredibly tiny little people/creatures were scattering. Like, remarkably small. As they ran away from us, they were covering their faces and they were full of fear. God revealed to me that those creatures represented were my anxious thoughts. When I don’t hold my thoughts captive, those tiny little anxious thoughts completely hijack my mind and ultimately destroy my peace. That’s what had happened to me for most of 2019… I had lost complete control of my thought life, hence why I was constantly being controlled by my fearful thoughts. And they seemed to compound each other. So the whole time, I had been so convinced that I had a plethora of physical health problems. But in reality, I was healthy. It all had to do with my thoughts. My thoughts were what was unhealthy.
I’ve learned that when I take authority over my thought life (2 Corinthians 10:5 for reference) and stand strong on God’s truth and peace, there isn’t room for the Enemy to come in and plant those tiny anxious thoughts in my mind. Those thoughts start off so small and seemingly harmless but when unchecked they are ruthless, savage mind hijackers. Spiritual warfare over minds is incredibly real. BUT when we declare and confidently claim truth over our lives, thoughts not originating from God will flee.
And I can confirm that this is indeed true. After the vision and the revelation that followed it, I stopped being afraid of my anxiety for the first time. I felt like I finally understood it, and I felt empowered. I declared divine peace and health over myself. My heart palpitations disappeared completely for the rest of my trip and several weeks after I returned to MN. I felt free! What I ultimately realized that day, is that for me, the problem was a lot more spiritual than physical. For 7 months I’d been convinced the root of my problems were my physical health symptoms. It all started back in my apartment room in September when I had that first panic attack after feeling the totally harmless muscle spasm in my abdomen. Well, proceeding that experience, I developed a lot of fear over weird sensations and feelings in my body that could potentially indicate a health problem. Turns out, when you are constantly in fear, you are under emotional/psychological stress. When under stress like that your body will be more prone to physical symptoms manifestations of anxiety, like heart palpitations and dizziness. See how I was stuck in a vicious cycle? My being stuck in the fear of those feelings and heart palpitations, was causing those feelings and palpitations in my body. It was a brutal cycle that lasted months.
Even if you aren’t religious or spiritual, I highly recommend you to apply the biblical concept of holding your thoughts captive to your own life. Pay close attention to the things you think, identify them, write them down, especially when you are stressed or anxious. Because the way we think determines, to a large extent, how we live. Your thoughts do NOT rule over you. But if you don’t audit them, they can rule over you.
Now, here I am, writing this post. My first panic attack happened about 14 months ago, which is crazy to think about. Now, it’s been a few months since my last full-blown panic attack. I can honestly say that I feel like myself fully, again! It’s so wonderful. I have my life back. I could cry happy tears for days, not even kidding. Anxiety and panic disorder are the hardest, scariest things I’ve ever gone through. But I freakin’ made it! I am so grateful for everyone who helped along the way. I couldn’t have done it by myself. But mostly, thank you Jesus. Thank you for restoring my hope and my peace. As a result of going through what I did and doing a serious audit of my thought life, I am so much stronger than I was before. Never thought I would say this, but I am grateful for the trial I experienced. The wisdom and strength I gained cannot be taken from me. As I walk forward, they are my weapons.
There are days when I can feel those anxious thoughts and feelings trying to creep back again, but the difference is that now I know that they don’t control me like they used to. For example, recently I was in Portland with a friend. I had a surprise anxiety attack and started to feel like I was dissociating and in a dream. After I recognized the thoughts and feelings, I was able to take those thoughts captive, remind myself that I was in no immediate danger, that those feelings were just anxiety and not reality, and that I had been through this many times before and that it always ended up okay. To help with this I went to the bathroom so I could be away from everyone for a moment. I put in my headphones and listened to calming music for a few minutes. I also took some downtime to pray + journal about how I was feeling once I was back at our AirBnB. And what do ya know, I was totally okay after that, and continued my weekend as normal! The outcome would’ve been wildly different a few months ago. For goodness’ sake I probably would’ve checked myself into the Portland hospital out of my intense fear for the worst and losing control. But instead, we went to a board game bar and had a blast of an evening. Praise God for progress and healing.
God is truly so good. I read back to my journal entries from last January and the repetitive theme is “God, I am so scared, I don’t understand what I’m feeling inside, and I feel so afraid, please help me and please give me peace.” I can now confidently say that each of those prayer requests have been answered. It didn’t happen overnight like I thought it would but God was certainly present in the process. As mentioned, cognitive behavioral therapy and getting on anxiety medications for a few months were wonderful resources that helped me a lot. Thankfully, I’m now in a place where I feel well and strong enough to not need those anymore. None of this is to say I won’t ever struggle with anxiety again, but now I have the tools to manage it rather than be managed by it. I don’t live in constant fear anymore, but freedom. That’s how I was created to live. We were never created to live in bondage to fear. Ever! We are created to live victoriously free.
If you are struggling with anxiety, panic attacks, depression, an eating disorder, or any other mental health struggle, I want you to know that there is hope. You WILL make it through what you are walking through! What you’re going through is real and you are not alone at all. I hope that my story can inspire you to have hope again and to seek help. I am praying for you. I am praying that you can claim the truth that you have been given a spirit NOT of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. <3 You are wonderful, you are strong, you are loved. You are NOT defined by what you’re going through.
Below are some of my recommendations if you are struggling with anxiety or panic disorder. I’m NOT an expert or medical/psychiatric professional but these are things I’ve learned in therapy/through my own experience with overcoming the disorders.
GET HELP! You do not need to go through this alone and there are resources to help you win the battle you are in.
Tell your teachers/professors/coaches. It can be scary to be vulnerable but they are helpful. If it’s too scary to do it alone, bring a friend with you to talk with them. They can help assist you with your coursework and other responsibilities.
It’s not your fault, but take accountability and ownership over your healing process.
Therapy is super awesome and there is no shame in seeing a therapist. They are experts at helping people identify the triggers and thought patterns that fuel anxiety and panic.
Medication can be very helpful as well!
Do NOT isolate yourself! Talk to your family and friends. They might not understand everything exactly but they will support and love you.
Remind yourself that you are NOT weak. You will get through this. There is more grace for you than you could ever imagine.
Don’t always trust your feelings, because anxiety is a huge liar. (For example: there were like 8 million times in the past year I really felt like my heart was stopping, I was dying, fainting, etc…. But those feelings were all lies, every single time. I’m still alive! Yay!)
92% of the things people worry about never end up happening (a stat my therapist told me to help me cope with my obsessive worrying)
If you feel yourself slipping into dissociation or a panic attack, work on grounding yourself. Take note of at least 5 different sensations that you feel: the feeling of the chair you are sitting in, the sound of the birds outside the window, the smell of where you are, etc. Get up, walk around, go to the bathroom, drink some water. These things help bring you back to the present moment. What helped me a lot during these scary times would be to get up and walk around and honestly blast some music or call someone. This would usually help me to break out of the anxious thought cycle.
Belly breathing helps anxiety and panic attacks: take a deep breath in, feeling your stomach (NOT chest) expand and hold for 5 seconds, then slowly breathe out. Do this a minimum of 5 times. It will help to regulate your rapid breathing and get it under control during an attack.
Write down your thoughts. Something I have found profoundly helpful in dismantling my anxiety is to create thought webs that help me to map out my feelings and thoughts that occur before, during, and after anxious episodes.
Get yo sleepppp! I found I was more prone to anxiety and panic attacks when I was underslept.
Try to get your body moving… even if it’s just going on a walk! I remember my doctors and therapist saying that exercise helps anxiety, and I would think “There’s no way.” But they were right -- activity and exercise are really helpful. That helped me get back on my feet and helped me believe I wasn’t totally out of control.
Do one pleasant thing a day! Could be anything: drawing, painting, watching an episode of your favorite show, cooking, etc. This was some of the ‘homework’ my therapist gave me. I wrote a LOT of letters and journal entries last spring because those are 2 activities I really enjoy. There can be enjoyable moments and sprinkles of hope even amidst dark stormy nights.
Limit caffeine intake, because it can exacerbate the ‘on edge’ feeling of anxiety. I quit drinking caffeinated coffee in January and it’s helped me out a lot!
Pray pray pray pray. Pray without ceasing. Get others to pray over you and pray for you. Praying actually works and your prayers NEVER fall upon deaf ears.
HUGE one: meditate on truth and declare it over yourself. 2 Timothy 1:7 is a great place to start. You have NOT been given a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind. Anxiety has no control over you and will NOT win.
If someone you know is struggling with anxiety or panic disorder:
Be there for them. Do not expect them to be able to “snap out of it” -- it really doesn’t work that way. Like at all. It’s very discouraging to be told this. If it were that easy anxiety wouldn’t be such a problem.
Anxious thoughts are super irrational and probably won’t make logical sense to you. Nonetheless, rather than trying to ‘fix’ your friend, be there to patiently listen to them.
Speak life and truth! Reaffirm them how loved and capable they are. Remind them that you are there for them and want to support them.
Be patient and don’t have expectations about their healing timeline. Healing is incredibly non-linear and everyone heals at their own pace!
Check in on your friend. A simple yet genuine “how are you” can go very far!