“Health and fitness were not always exciting for me. They once confused me, stressed me, worried me and derailed me.
When I first came into college as a Division 1 track athlete, I was completely unaware of my body image. I never stopped for a minute to reflect on the way my body looked. I was content and confident.
It wasn’t long until I noticed how different my body looked from the other track athletes around me. I weighed more and this began to bother me. In fact, I obsessed over it.
I began a cycle of fasting, skipping meals for 30 hour periods; the other times included minimal eating. The exact reasoning is hard to remember; I know I wanted to be smaller, thinner, tinier, leaner.
My body suddenly became all I thought about. I looked at it morning, midday, afternoon and night. I constantly compared myself to others and I was relentless in my mission to become skinny.
When I’d crawl into bed many nights, I’d curl into a ball to try and suppress the painful hunger that seared through my stomach.
I was constantly hungry. I was in pain.
Hunger and pain didn’t stop me from working out. I pushed myself through 2.5+ hours of cardio each day, even when my body was physically exhausted.
I lost fifteen pounds within a month. Losing this weight also caused me to lose muscle and strength. Weakness conquered my running ability.
Soon enough, I was injured with a stress fracture which eventually led to a herniated back. I was unable to perform, I felt like a failure.
Eating was stressful. Eating produced anxiety within me. I skipped meals, outings, events, parties…I was unhappy.
All I knew was that as long as I was thin, I had control. As long as I was thin, I hadn’t completely failed myself.
Push comes to shove: I passed out in the Notre Dame library.
I summoned the courage to call my mom. I realized that something in my life needed to change. This pressure and this evil needed to escape me.
For quite some time, I denied it was an issue. I denied I needed help. I denied that what was happening to me was abnormal. Surely, everyone struggles like this -- something I convinced myself was true.
But it took a harsh moment of reality and pain for me to see what I had done to myself. I was injured, weak and now I couldn’t even stay conscious.
I decided that the best decision was for me to quit track. Collegiate running was not providing me the joy I sought in physical activity and competition.
This decision changed my life.
I was able to channel my past pain into a new, positive environment of self-love and care. I began exercising for fun, comparing my body to nobody’s but my own. I pushed myself to be the best and healthiest version of myself, whatever that meant for me. I no longer felt a need to fit any mold or meet any requirement. Through this, I found a comfortable place where I was able to begin treating my body the way it deserved -- not without the assistance and guidance from those I love and care for.
Health and fitness do not need to be chores. They do not need to be painful. They definitely do not need to be toxic. Health and fitness should serve as mediums of living a more fruitful and full life.
Fitness, for me, has been molded by my past and continual love of athletics. I have been an athlete my entire life. As I get older, this has developed into a passion for physical activity and movement. I challenge myself because I enjoy the pleasure it provides me!
Our bodies are so capable. We can do so much with them. It is my mission to live a life where I can enjoy this body through exercise and activity, aided by a healthy diet and obviously balance. No life can be full without understanding when to hit the brakes, enjoy a treat, relax and rest. No life can be full when fitness and health takes control over your own existence. Health and fitness are pieces in a puzzle that is you, they are not the dictators.
I chose to love myself first. Then I chose to love fitness and health. My passion for these elements has only grown over the years. I’ve learned, read, spoken to experts, taken advice, made mistakes…but I’ve enjoyed the entire experience.
When I look back on what happened to me, I see a broken image of what being healthy and fit means. I once believed it meant something so different. Now, I thank God every day for the ability to have a clearer view of what’s really looking back at me in the mirror.
I still struggle. I still battle this demon. I’m flawed, imperfect and I doubt myself. Some days are worse than others. But I know now that with faith, persistence and self-love I am capable of anything. I choose not to fear food, but to let food fuel me.
“I do not run so that I can eat, I eat so that I can run”
Take control of your life. Discover what it is you want. Ask for help. Be brave and never, ever give up.
Today, I focus my fitness on activities that I enjoy. I run, I use cardio machines, I lift, I do yoga. I find workouts that I love/can continue to love and I stick with them. I recommend finding an area of activity you thrive in, something you are passionate about. Find something…that literally fills a space in your life. Make sure you dedicate time to health and fitness. Your body is a temple. Treat it well and care for it. That also means understanding when to rest it! Push yourself, challenge yourself. There is nothing more rewarding than accomplishing something great.
Good luck and remember: health and fitness is a journey that varies for every single person. Don’t compare yourself to others. The only person you’re competing with is YOU! Go chase your dreams. You may just be surprised at what you can do.”
